Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Quarter Life Reflections

"Wow, I can't believe that you are willing to give up a year of your life to go and live in Namibia."

I can't tell you how many times I heard this before coming here in December. Give up: as in, you mean, I am erasing a year of my life that I could have otherwise had? As in, there is something else I should be doing? Give up, as in the value of this experience is not worth anything substantial?
At this point in time, I am feeling really thankful and fortunate to be right where I am. In saying that, I should mention that I have also been doing a lot of reflecting on this comment. How can one possibly measure the value of an experience such as the one I'm in the middle of? How can I measure the success of my time here?

Since I am starting a new year this week, I of course have been spending a lot of time thinking about where I have been, where I am now, and where I'm headed next. My time here in Namibia so far has been interesting. Every day, I am faced with enormous challenges, small successes, and if I'm lucky, a few moments of peace. I reflect constantly on whether or not the work I am doing is making any difference in the long run- is the impact that I will leave behind going to be sustainable? Am I really improving or assisting in the development of these kids, their community, or my school?

While my time here is focused on improving the lives of my learners through education, mentoring and companionship, I am beginning to realize just how much this job is changing me. I am learning, growing, and expanding in ways that I never could have imagined. I don't think I could find an experience of this magnitude back at home- every day I am pushed mentally and physically, my patience and empathy is tested, and I can only dream of the better person I might be if I keep working at this level for the whole year. The experience so far has been challenging for me- I am generally very hard on myself- usually super critical, a bit on the negative side, and I often act on emotion rather than rational thinking. My duties here are forcing me to think outside of my comfort zone. My kids' day depends on my mood. Their improvements depend on my passion and patience. The list can go on and on. I guess what I am trying to say is that my focus and determination will directly effect the people around me, more than ever.

I think I am settling in to the routine. Maybe my kids are starting to get used to my funny accent. Maybe the other residents in my village are starting to think of me as a part of the community, rather than a charity. I'm less surprised when we run out of water or have no power. I have to be hopeful. While every day throws me a new curveball, I now know that I can at least expect it.

On turning 25...
I always dreamed to live and serve abroad. I've always had a passion for people and finding ways to make their lives better. I always wanted to challenge myself in ways that most people are not interested in doing. Now that I am really here, really doing what I've wanted to... the feeling is overwhelming. Most days, I still don't believe that this is real life. The hardest part is not being able to share these moments with the people I love. While yes, I love to write, I am finding it impossible to capture the smells, sounds, size, and magnitude of the things around me. I wish I could bottle all of these things up and send them home!
I'm feeling really quite fortunate to have found a soulmate, friend, and companion in my lovely husband, Ted. While he is facing the same challenges, he manages to find patience to share with me. I know that had it not been for him, I probably would not be sitting here writing to you from Namibia. I'm so thankful to know that every day when I get home, he is waiting with open arms to talk through our day, share successes and failures, and of course, try to make me laugh. He's the best listener I know, and I'm excited to be sharing my new year as a Guggenheim.

My goal for the new year: to restore and rebuild my self-confidence. To honestly believe in my own capabilities and worth. To share as much love as I can, and to be more positive.

"LEARNING EXPANDS GREAT SOULS" is a Namibian proverb, the title of my blog, and my inspiration while serving here. While I was hired as a teacher, I know my greater purpose here is to be a learner- to find new passion, grow as a better human being, to find love, and gain the strength to keep moving forward and keep serving others in this big old world we live in. This journey is only the beginning...

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